Coteau du Lac ITU Pan American Cup: Race Report

Well, in a previous post I made a statement. Something along the lines of, “... no matter what happens, I will come out of this weekend with my third ITU Pan American Cup under my belt, and a great week of training finished off with a great race.” In retrospect, I would probably edit the “great” portion of that statement, and justifiably call it somewhat premature.

Although I hoped and prayed for a “great” race, looking back objectively, I can seen the inevitability of circumstances that lead to what I will call a very “trying” race. While I lay out the dismal details in the race report that follows, keep in mind that I have decided to remain positive about the experience as a whole. Also, my aim is not to make excuses or justify a bad race, because I am confident that is all it was. My goal is simply one of self-reflection/realization, positive acceptance, and the freedom to look forward and move-on.

I realize now that for whatever reason, I did not approach this race with the proper mentality. As I spoke about earlier in the previous post, having the flu for an extended period of time followed a week of demoralizing and humiliating workouts. While I faced these trials with as much dignity as possible, the wear and tear on my psyche was considerable. Every workout that I got spanked by team-mates, pushed myself beyond limits only to discover it was not near good enough, witnessed my “equals” surge ahead of me like they were just humouring me, I thought about the upcoming race in Montreal with a very real fear and dread. On top of this the physical aspect of the week’s bodily attrition took a serious toll. Lying in bed for the better part of a week with barely enough energy to get up to use the bathroom, then plunging headfirst to into superhuman training left me feeling extremely exhausted.

Jet leg compounded with exhaustion made it very difficult for me to trick my mentality into a state of competitive race-hungry zeal. Difficult but not impossible, as I was somewhat successful in deceiving myself into believing I could potentially have a fantastic race. However, the subconscious underlying doubt and dread was very evident in my overall feelings toward the race.

As I toed the start on the pontoon at position sixteen (my highest ranking yet at a Pan American Cup) my mind was a flurry of battling consciousnesses. As soon as I was not purposefully and consciously forcing a “race mentality” on myself, my subconscious would sneak in with negative thoughts and that all-consuming dread. When the gun went off we all dove into water and began a very real physical battle of punching, kicking, dunking, and drowning. Normally in a situation like this (being a weaker swimmer) I would slow down and draft behind the madness. However that is usually how I lose the main pack, so this time I decided to stay in the thick of the chaos and fought for almost the entire first lap (750m). I exited the water, ran along the pontoon and dove back in for the second lap. After that I had nothing left; I had used whatever scarce resources of energy I had on that first lap. I experienced a full body lactic burn so intense I almost stopped right there. The second (final) lap of the swim was a torturous mental battle to simply not pull-out of the race.

I exited the water completely over-taken by my negative subconscious. I just kept forcing myself through the motions while my mind begged me to quit. I hopped on the bike and was overcome by a similar full-body hurt. With my body and mind screaming relentlessly for mercy, an entity unclassifiable trudged on. I eventually acquired a “tail” of about 6-7 cyclists. None strong enough to take any real pulls, and so I completed the 40km ride as I always do, largely solo and very tired.

I headed out onto the run consciously trying to overcome my negative mentality. I told myself I would salvage what was left of this race by having an amazing run split. I started off at a very quick (yet surprisingly comfortable) pace. However in rhythm with everything that was going wrong on the day, three-quarters of the way through the first of four laps my hamstrings, quads, and calves began cramping and spasming uncontrollably. Consequently I was forced to slow my pace. This was almost an insurmountable obstacle after everything I had gone through. It felt like the Karma Gods were punishing me for some past transgression. The only pleasure or redemption I found was in watching my team-mates and friends race their way to amazing finishes. I was then force to retreat back into the chaotic cognitive battle between giving-up and finishing. I decided the Karma Gods could just suck-it... so I finished.

At the end of the day, I was extremely disappointed, but also filled with a quiet pride at defeating such an adamant, enduring will to quit. I have only ever not completed one race many years ago now (due to excruciating stomach pains even before the race started) and it still eats away at me. I am profoundly relieved I do not have to carry that excess baggage as well.
I would like to congratulate all of my team-mates on the successful completion of a tough race. Namely, Paula and Kyla on their first place finishes for the Elite and Junior women races, respectively; AP on his outrageous second place finish; A-Russ, who had a solid race as usual; and JP who had an awesome race that was a long time coming. I would also like to congratulate my friends and competitors, namely François Hogan who just moved up from junior racing to absolutely dominate his first ever Elite race; and Patrice Hamelin who also had a fantastic race that was definitely long overdue. Excellent job everyone, I look forward to racing alongside you all internationally as fellow Canadians.

Peace and Love.